DEAR PATRICK

                                                

Dear Patrick,

I don’t know if you understand me well. I don’t even know if I communicate with you well enough but there are some things that I need to say to you that have been in my heart for a long time.

First, please understand that every day I am struggling. I am struggling with a big weight, which I don’t know if I can let go of. I am gay, I used to refuse and say that I don’t want that label but as time goes by I realize that it’s who I am. I don’t know how I am going to get rid of it. I don’t know if its rubbed off with an eraser, or washed off with water and chemicals, or even if the blood of Jesus can cleanse it. I don’t know. What I know, is that this has become a more and more difficult life, because I have to move from a world where I like men, am attracted to men to a world where I like women or am celibate. I don’t even know if I can be celibate. I am struggling though. I want you to know that every day I am struggling. When I wake up all I can think about is that on one part am a sinner, bound and chained and heading to hell and on the other side I know am a gay man, trapped in a world that does not accept me. I have prayed about this. I have thought about this. I know that I have to die to the flesh and be made alive in Christ, but I don’t know how to go about this.

Patrick, you are my friend, and I don’t know if you can be here for me. Every time I approach you with this issue, you tell me to delete all my gay friends, and you tell me to avoid anything gay. You tell me to pray. You tell me that God will make a way. Now, I don’t know how God works, nobody really does. All I know is that as my friend, perhaps you haven’t approached this from the point of view that am a human being, with weakness, with desires, with issues, who isn’t fully made and finished. I try, really, I do.

Patrick, I need you. I need you to be there for me. I know that men find it very difficult to ask for help. I don’t, because you are my best friend. You  accept me for who I am, but not wholly who I am. You only accept only my Christ-Patrick side. My gay friends accept my gay side. None of them accepts God; just the same way none of the people in church accept me as gay Philip. Haha, gay Philip, sounds funny. I need you to accept me as I am, the unfinished me. The raw me. Me and my heart. Me and my mind. Me and my spirit. Me as a complete being. There is so much that I can do. I don’t know if you realize it.

Patrick, one day I will be an old man. An old man, and I don’t know how that will work out. Will I have a wife? Do you think I will have a wife? And children, do you think I will have children? What about a husband Patrick, do you think I will have a husband? I am distraught. I don’t know how my future will be. Ever since I was young, I was supposed to have a wife. A wife and four children, named Daniel, Jonathan, Gabriel and Lilly. We would live in a mansion, and have a villa at the coast and we would end up rich and happy. Now, all that is but a dream. A wisp of smoke and a blur ,that will float away and disappear. I don’t even know how I am going to turn out by twenty eight. I don’t know how things will be by forty. I have had a boyfriend already, and am apparently in the process of getting another one. I like this guy. I like him a lot. The way you liked Angie, and Lucy and Fiona. I like him like that. Maybe I will end up living with him until I die. I know you will love and accept me as I am, as you did when Kwame was around. That is the reason you are my best friend. You love and accept me as I am. I am not sure though if you understand me. I don’t know what your expectations of me are.

Patrick, we have talked about purpose a lot. We have discussed Bible verses about it. It would be interesting to know what God’s purpose for my life is. I have understood a lot about my career and the work I'm supposed to do. It is a big load. I even imagine I shall die for the sake of the gospel, somewhere in the Middle East. Am fine with that, it does not scare me. There is though, something I have not fully wrapped my mind around. What about my heart? What about my joy? What about the peace of mind? Am I to have a wife? Will I make her happy? Will I love her?  Will she be the person to spend my old age with? Patrick, I don’t know. I am confused. I don’t blame God for anything. I am not that kind of person and you know it. I have never blamed anyone for anything that happened to me, because I have been in control off all my circumstances to some extent. I have tried. I am not though, in control of who I love.  I am not in control of everything in my future. So what do I do, Patrick? Where do I look for answers when I know that some things with God are not to be questioned? What really is my purpose? Therefore I ask in dissimilarity, will I have a husband? Will he love me? Will we be together forever? Will God accept us? Will God love us? I don’t know Patrick.

Patrick, I am scared. I rarely show it, but I am scared. I am scared that I am walking in sin and I don’t know how to get out. Yes, I want out. There are times when I wish the issues in my life were as simple as working hard and getting a family and acquiring land and living happily ever after. I wish the issues were those of fighting over who squeezed the toothpaste the wrong way and who left the toilet seat up. Patrick, I am scared of being alone. I am scared of dying and I am scared of going to hell. I am scared of losing my purpose, and letting the greatness that is in me go to waste. Patrick, I am scared of not being able to love. I am scared of walking this world aimlessly and all I have to show is the certificates for leadership and achievements at work. I am so scared that sometimes I wonder if I am missing the point.

Patrick, I know how open you are with your mother. I know how you love her and she loves you. The same goes for your father and brother but not in equal extent and  measure. Despite all this, I envy you. I envy you because you have no secrets to hide from them. You have nothing you are holding back. I, on the other hand, am hiding in plain sight. I am hiding the fact that I am gay from my family. My mother and my sister hate gay people. They are gay bashers. They make fun of , insult, get disgusted by and go to all lengths to show that they detest gay people. Patrick I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t know whether to ever come out to them or not. I have already had an incident where my parents sort of found out. I was taken for prayers, deliverance and counseling. I seemed demon possessed to my parents. Now here I am, eight years down the line, still dealing with the same issues. I suspect that Albert knows. He has been acting funny. He has become too mushy and close to me. There is either something he wants or something he has to say and he doesn’t know how to say it. Then there is dad. Dad has always been aloof. He seems never to have anything to quite say. If I come out to him, I know I will get a lecture and a sermon combined for two hours, followed by prayers. I don’t know how well he will take it, but I don’t expect to be badly off after.

There are also my two school best friends, Moses and James. Moses hates all gay people. He thinks they should be locked up in concentration camps with Muslims. James is more tolerant. He tries to understand. He tries to show empathy. He says all gay people need is love. He is our C.U chairman. I don’t know how to deal with them. I think Moses will easily hate me. He will distance himself. He has nothing to do with sinners like me since God has been so faithful to him. He is doing well. He has money. As I look at myself, I really don’t know what to say. I really know what I want to feel though. I want to feel loved. I want to be loved and accepted. I have millions friends. Everyone around me is close to me. Despite all this, I still feel unloved and alone. All the people I want to love and accept me, can’t or don’t. All the people I need are not there. Patrick, are you there? Are you really there?

Patrick, my point is that I need you. I need you to stand with me. To truly and firmly stand. I need you to walk with me. I have really fallen. I have gotten lost. I have also lost everything that I was. I am not the same person you met years ago. I have been reaching out silently. I don’t know if you have been there but I have been reaching out.  Please help me. Please help me find the way.

I know I have written this a lot like a story, but it’s the truth, and it’s from my heart to you.